Hello blog.  It's been awhile.  Well, I'm still frumpy and still attempting to dredge up that runner I know I have deep inside my soul.

Last winter was dark, and cold and I spent much of it being depressed.  Not much running went on, but the frumpiness reached new heights.  There were reasons for the depression, but much of that has been worked through and at least partially resolved.  And now it's summer.

My adorable, funny, sweet little boy has been on a fitness kick this summer.  He wants to "get in shape" for the "ladies."  Yes, he's a bit of a Romeo.  But whatever his motives are, his enthusiasm is contagious.  Or, at the very least it's persistent.

We started the "couch-to-5k" program.  Again.  Well, again for me.  I have a nifty app on my phone and he has the same app on his iPod.  We start at the same time, each listening to our own music, and walk-run together.  It's fun.  At first I was a little apprehensive about trying to do this together.  I thought I would miss having my own space and quiet exercise time.  It's turned out to be a very good thing.  We kind of do have our own space while we listen to music, and then towards the end when we're cooling down we chat.  He's a great conversationalist and he constantly makes me laugh.

Today as I was shuffling down the road at the pace of an old man with severe arthritis and a bad case of gout, I looked at the beautiful mountains and felt happy.  There's something really nice about getting outside before it's too hot, and breathing some fresh-ish air.  It may just be worth the early alarm clock and sore feet.

Meltdown

I know stress can be a motivator, and a certain degree of stress does seem to push me off the couch and help me take action sometimes, but too much stress can sort of paralyze me.  At the moment I am a big, crazy ball of paralysis.

Soon after I wrote my last post I pulled out of my funk and actually made a little progress.  I got really into Weight Watchers Online and was tracking like a maniac.  I lost 10 pounds.  I was doing Zumba twice a week and feeling those endorphins.  Around Halloween I got sick with a nasty bronchial thing.  It lasted most of November and pretty much annihilated all of my good habits.

At the moment I'm dealing with the last week of school and finals preparation.  My sweet neighbor is struggling with major health issues.  And the holidays induce a very unbalanced combination of Christmas Spirit and "I miss my mom!" heartache.  So I'm kind of a mess.  Since I haven't been exercising lately it's not in my immediate tool set for dealing with stress.  It's actually another stressor because I know I need to start again and I also know it will be difficult because my muscles seem to atrophy after a week of inactivity.

You want to know how I dealt with stress today?  Donuts.  Several of them.  And caffeine.  I'm not feeling very good right now.  Donuts are not helpful...the first bite was...maybe even the first donut.  But after that they turned on me and showed their true ugliness.

Tomorrow I need a different method of dealing with life.  Because stress will come and go at different levels, but it's always there.  Tomorrow I will breathe, go for a walk, take a bath, or talk to a friend.  I might even turn on some loud music and dance in my kitchen while my dog looks at me like I'm nuts.  And I'll eat good food that gives me energy and fuel and feeds my body in a healthy way, without stuffing my feelings down or inducing a fuzzy sugar haze.  Tomorrow I will treat myself with respect and love.  One day at a time...maybe one hour at a time...I will change the way I treat myself and deal with this life of mine.

Incongruous

Another valid topic might be "inconsistency" - but let's tackle that subject on another day.

I have been in a bad mood for several days without really understanding why.  Life is generally stressful right now.  I'm in school, trying to get my 30-something year old brain to understand math.  My son is in a gifted class that requires quite a bit more work and attention than we've been used to doing.  My husband is in the middle of a very busy season at work, and is also in school.  There's quite a bit of outside stress influencing sleep habits, and free time, and patience within the family.

Also, sometimes I miss my mom.  She passed away about 6 years ago, and the feelings of grief come in waves.  There are small, subtle waves that gently remind me that she's not here, but sometimes they increase to tsunami level and knock the breath out of me for awhile.  A tsunami hit about a week ago and I'm still picking up the pieces.

I can usually have a bad day or two and then shake it off.  I can't seem to do that this time.  And the bad mood has inspired all kinds of criticism and nit-picking of people I should love, or at least tolerate.

Yesterday I had kind of an epiphany.  My bad mood isn't being caused by anyone else.  The source is incongruity in myself.  My everyday habits and lifestyle are incongruent with who I really am.  I've been eating without thought or planning.  Sugar is kind of my drug of choice and definitely has a numbing effect, but also makes me feel like crap pretty much immediately after shoveling it in.  I know how much exercise helps me to be happier and keep my moods more stable, but I spend far too much time watching t.v. and being inactive.

I can't live like that and expect to feel good.  And every time I use sugar to deal with uncomfortable emotions, I'm just creating more uncomfortable emotions and eroding my self esteem.

I'm at a point in my life where my actual size and weight are not quite as important as how I feel about myself.  I'm just tired of feeling like crap and trudging through each day exhausted and depressed.

A few years ago I did Weight Watchers for almost a year.  I got very obsessed with losing weight and what the scale said at each weigh-in.  But, I also ate better, consistently, than any other point in my life.  I like the focus on healthy habits, and being free to eat lots of fruits and veggies.  I like the structure of tracking my food.  So I've joined again, and I'm going to use it to change my food habits.  Yes, I'd love to lose weight and be able to fit into my "thin" clothes again...but I'd like to make the focus more about being healthy, rather than being any particular size.  I want to feel good.

"Strut"

I wish I had been consistent about blogging over the last few weeks. I am the girl who starts things, gets really excited about them, and then kind of fizzles out. I've done this countless times with many things in my life. I've started the "couch-to-5k" program at least 5 times in the last 2 years. I reach week 4 and get bored, or sick or just quit.

Well not this time, baby! Yesterday at 8:58 a.m. I finished the final run of the 9 week program. I started in January and could barely jog for 1 minute at a time. Now I can run for 30 minutes without stopping. And I love it.

When I tried to do it before my motives were all about weight loss and looking better. This time, it was completely different. My life is a little crazy right now and I needed something to help me find balance and handle stress...something other than chocolate. Chocolate has its place, but it just wasn't cutting it anymore as a coping mechanism.

When I run, I think about breathing, and music and however I'm feeling that day...sometimes strong, sometimes weak, sometimes happy. Something about the music and working so hard and sweating creates a calmness that pushes anxiety to the fringes of my brain and helps me cope with things a little better than usual.

I haven't quite found a way to describe the emotional connection that happens...but it's like there's a part of me that only wakes up when I run. I like that "me." That me is happy and strong and young and alive. Somehow over the last few weeks that "me" has integrated just a bit more into my everyday life.

I have a long way to go before I'm actually running 3 miles outside. Apparently running outside is a whole lot harder than the treadmill, but that's okay. When spring decides to actually stick around for more than a day I'll start working on that. In the meantime I'm ridiculously proud of myself. And I think I deserve to strut ;).

(I'm still trying to figure out how to attach this video...but here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1e5h9YSe_k)

I started walking / jogging this week...following the Couch to 5K program again, but this time taking it slowly and just spending as much time as I need to on each phase. It took me a semester + 2 weeks to muster up the courage to actually go to the fitness center desk, ask for a T-shirt, and use the fitness room. I’ve had a locker since last September, but there was some weird, irrational fear that I struggled to get past to actually use the fitness room. The hardest part for me was asking for the stupid T-shirt. I’m not sure why.

Today was about my 4th session walking / jogging on a treadmill. I woke up with a sinus headache and felt kind of gross, so I didn’t expect my workout to be very energetic. But around the third song on my 80’s playlist something clicked. I felt like running. I was listing to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and wishing I could just belt out the lyrics...and I had a very emotional reaction to the running. I felt connected to myself in a way I’m only aware of when I workout really hard...when I get my heart rate going and start to sweat and a little bit of adrenaline kicks in. I almost started to cry - I don’t completely understand why I felt that way. I think maybe because it’s something just for me. Maybe it also has something to do with being in the moment. I’m never in my moments...I’m always worried about what needs to get done, what I should be doing, what I haven’t done, what’s coming up next. But when I’m working out sometimes it’s just about the music, and the breathing, and feeling my body try to be strong...and my to-do list does not have to exist in that moment.

Still working on that whole "frump" thing...

I'm not even going to check the date on my first post. I started this blog with the best of intentions. Goodbye to frump forever! Hello new fit and energetic me! As you may have noticed I haven't revisited the blog site much with exciting updates on my amazing progress. Yeah. Well.

I'm still here, and willing to admit that change is very hard. It takes time, and I'm starting to be okay with that. I have made some changes that are not all that insignificant. After a 15 year lapse, I've gone back to school to finish my degree. I threw away the tattered, black, stretchy pants with the elastic waist. (Yes, I bought a new pair, but I've made a solemn promise to myself to never wear them out in public). I've gone shopping several times and even bought two new pairs of jeans. I can throw out the old pair I wore on "special" occasions last year - they were being held together by a lovely safety pin. I got a really great haircut and I've committed to actually getting it done more than twice a year.

Exercise is still on the back burner. Walking to class counts for something, especially while wearing my 60 lb backpack. I think I should get some kind of weight lifting credit just for that. The University I'm attending has a gym that I can use for free, and renting a locker and actually trying that gym has been on my to-do list for a couple of weeks now. Tomorrow...

Nutrition is also a little iffy. I do pretty well for the first half of the day, but I have poor meal planning habits and I just get famished by late afternoon. When I reach that point, all good intentions fly out the window and I want food NOW. But I'm starting to pack a cute little lunch for myself so I can hang out at the library and study with all the cool kids until it's time to pick my little munchkin up from school.

I seem to have a habit of repeating adjectives. Anyway, I'm signing off to make the aforementioned lunches for my family and myself so I can go to bed early (fingers crossed) tonight. Goodnight!

Crazy Neighbor Lady

My crazy neighbor came up with an even crazier plan. She decided to get herself and her kids up early every morning and walk to the park. Did I mention that it's summer? No school, no imposed deadlines, preferably no alarm clocks. She actually had the nerve to invite my little boy and me to come along.

Initially I gave her a non-committal "yeah, sounds fun, we'll have to see how things go." Privately I was compiling a list of very legitimate reasons (a.k.a. excuses) not to participate in this insane plan.

1. Summer is supposed to be lazy - or at least not so scheduled.
2. Despite being an early riser, my son will happily play video games for at least an hour without waking me.
3. I'm just not sure I'm ready for "people" that early in the morning.
4. My husband always goes to bed late, and if I want to spend time with him I have to stay up late too...so sleeping in makes sense, right?
5. Sleep is sacred, and there's never enough of it.

However, a few little things kept pestering my thoughts until I decided to tentatively - very tentatively - try it for a week.

Monday went well. It was nice to get out in the sunshine. The kids had fun playing at the park. My neighbor walks like a maniac and after 5 minutes of being completely out of breath I sent her on her way to do her own thing while I walked at my own pace.

Tuesday I had shin splints from trying to keep up with my crazy friend. But I re-started Week 1 of a "couch-to-5K" plan.

Wednesday I slyly suggested to my son that we have a "lazy day" and skip the park thing. He responded, "But mom, you know how you've been wanting to lose some weight? Well this is the key!" He was right, of course. So we went to the park. And we made it through the rest of the week without any "lazy days."

Reluctantly, I have to admit that it's a really good thing. It's good for my son because he has an hour of fun exercise without even knowing that he's exercising. It's good for me because I have some consistency, and exercise really does temper my weird, anxious personality. We both come home happy, a little less restless, and ready to start the day.