Incongruous

Another valid topic might be "inconsistency" - but let's tackle that subject on another day.

I have been in a bad mood for several days without really understanding why.  Life is generally stressful right now.  I'm in school, trying to get my 30-something year old brain to understand math.  My son is in a gifted class that requires quite a bit more work and attention than we've been used to doing.  My husband is in the middle of a very busy season at work, and is also in school.  There's quite a bit of outside stress influencing sleep habits, and free time, and patience within the family.

Also, sometimes I miss my mom.  She passed away about 6 years ago, and the feelings of grief come in waves.  There are small, subtle waves that gently remind me that she's not here, but sometimes they increase to tsunami level and knock the breath out of me for awhile.  A tsunami hit about a week ago and I'm still picking up the pieces.

I can usually have a bad day or two and then shake it off.  I can't seem to do that this time.  And the bad mood has inspired all kinds of criticism and nit-picking of people I should love, or at least tolerate.

Yesterday I had kind of an epiphany.  My bad mood isn't being caused by anyone else.  The source is incongruity in myself.  My everyday habits and lifestyle are incongruent with who I really am.  I've been eating without thought or planning.  Sugar is kind of my drug of choice and definitely has a numbing effect, but also makes me feel like crap pretty much immediately after shoveling it in.  I know how much exercise helps me to be happier and keep my moods more stable, but I spend far too much time watching t.v. and being inactive.

I can't live like that and expect to feel good.  And every time I use sugar to deal with uncomfortable emotions, I'm just creating more uncomfortable emotions and eroding my self esteem.

I'm at a point in my life where my actual size and weight are not quite as important as how I feel about myself.  I'm just tired of feeling like crap and trudging through each day exhausted and depressed.

A few years ago I did Weight Watchers for almost a year.  I got very obsessed with losing weight and what the scale said at each weigh-in.  But, I also ate better, consistently, than any other point in my life.  I like the focus on healthy habits, and being free to eat lots of fruits and veggies.  I like the structure of tracking my food.  So I've joined again, and I'm going to use it to change my food habits.  Yes, I'd love to lose weight and be able to fit into my "thin" clothes again...but I'd like to make the focus more about being healthy, rather than being any particular size.  I want to feel good.